Looking At Me (With Their Eyes)

I’m a gamer. I openly admit it, I love playing games. But lately that’s hit a snag. The recession hit everyone in America hard (I’m looking at you, Bush). Its not easy to buy video games, its often a choice of gaming over other amenities.

It wasn’t always this way. I used to run three WoW accounts.  I knew my multi account days were numbered.

Around the block doesn’t cut what my gaming experience is; I’ve been living on the block, grew up there. I used to babysit Jenny on the block. WoW, AoC, CoH, CoV, PotBS, MO, LoTRO and a handful of free games featured online. So anything that can make a cool abbreviation, I played. But why?

Well, I have this mental illness. It’s called Agoraphobia and this is my first time writing about it. “Agora” as I shall call it is a fear of people, crowds and social interactions. So remember that movie Arachnophobia where spiders were crawling out of the shower head as someone was bathing? That’s me at school, at a restaurant and even with my friends. It’s not fun and it can and has destroyed lives.

Woo, this is tough. I never graduated high school due to my fear of people. My being overweight didn’t help, but just the presence of another person– or in this case, a whole room of people– was and is pure horror. I feel my hands go clammy, my breathing is fastened and my vision blurs. My blood pressure shoots up and I’m shaking like its ‘On Golden Pond.’

I ran from school and I ran from responsibility. I’ve learned a lot since then but that terror is still so prevalent, so vivid and visceral that it hurts me like no wound ever could.

So this is why I play online games. It’s my only outlet and my biggest source of social interaction. I play because I’m lonely. Why be a scared little boy when I can be an Elf, or a Superhero, or a Pirate? Its classic escapism.

This isn’t a pity party or a rant but rather a look inside everyday life for me.

Be kind to others and be truthful to yourself is a lot harder then it sounds but it may truly be the best advice one can get.

~ by twistedangel9 on December 27, 2008.